When I was a little girl, I wanted to have lots of children when I grew up. I wanted as many children as I could get. I thought having ten children would be fantastic, but I figured that I would have about six first, and then decide after that (with my husband) if I wanted more. My mother was a bit concerned, because she had five children and it was not easy having to raise five children, especially if you are not in the best of marriages. I was not a bit discouraged though. I was determined to have all the children I wanted, and was sure that I would be blessed with a great husband and father for my children. We were going to live in a big house in the country. I would home school them (I am not sure that would have lasted long), I would spend lots of time planning meals and cooking and baking from scratch. My family would be like the Walton’s, only the grandparents would not be living with us, and as a family we would take yearly vacations traveling all over the world. My husband and I would make sure that one way our children learned was by experiencing different cultures in all parts of the world. We would also take our children to museums regularly when we thought they were old enough to appreciate it. They would have an idealistic Martha Stewart Living country upbringing, yet not be isolated from the world.
I even named my ten children, but I would change my mind every few years and rename them…HA! There is only one name that ever stuck for all time. I always loved the name Hazel. The first daughter that I had would have been named Hazel, and she has had her mother’s love for a very long time.
I did not have one single child. My sweet Hazel did not get the chance to come into embodiment through me. As much as I wanted to have children, what I absolutely did not want either is to have any alone. I was determined not to have any children as long as I was not married. Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I am not making any judgement calls on women who do have children outside of marriage. This is not about any religious belief system going on in my mind. It is simply a decision that I made for my personal self. There are many single and fabulously intelligent women out there who decide to have children without a husband and that is fine. Sometimes it is planned to be that way and other times not, but either way, that is up to each individual woman to decide. Certainly some women find themselves divorced and becoming a single mother that way, and that could have happened to me as well. I was willing to take the risk, and at the same time remaining positive that I would have a happy and successful marriage.
Since I have not crossed paths with Mr. Right for Xenia, I did not have any children. Now here I am in what is called mid-life. There is no way I am bringing any children into the world now. For a long time my one big regret in life was that I never had any children. It really bothered me that I am not a mother. I would have loved to have people walking around who called me Mommy, or Mom. On Mother’s Day I would get the special treatment from my children. For a long time when Mother’s Day came around I would spend the day feeling very sensitive and inwardly sad. Years ago, I used to get jealous when other women that I knew were having a baby shower because deep in my heart I so much wished it was me.
I used to look forward to the day I would get pregnant for the first time. I prayed that when I did get pregnant that I would start showing early, and that my stomach get as big as it could by the baby. I am one of these women who believes that pregnant women are beautiful.
Since being unemployed for over a year, I had a lot of time to think about my life in 2013. As upset as I was that I did not have any children, upon further reflection, it is no longer a huge life regret. I am now completely at peace with the fact that I do not have any children. I still love my sweet Hazel, and always will. She remains out there in the Universe, but she has a permanent place in my heart. I sense that Hazel knows how much I love her and would have welcomed her into my life. That little girl would have been the light of my life. If she had been born she would probably be finishing up college now and preparing for graduate school. Instead, it is her mother who is in school finishing up…HA! Hazel, I love you now and forever, remember that! We will come face to face in another time and place.
Obviously my personal life did not materialize the way I thought it would. I headed in a different direction. Everything that I did, or did not do, in the past led me to where I am today. I am in a good place and space, so there are no longer any regrets about anything. I still believe that Mr. Right for Xenia will come into my life. He is my precious helpmate. Instead of living with ten children it will be just me and him enjoying each others company. I did a little bit of traveling in my twenties and thirties, but for the most part, I have not traveled the world as I always desired to. These are new beginnings for me. I know that completing my higher education will open up a lot of doors for me. My father keeps telling me that I should teach college courses. I have thought about that a few times, so it is a good thing that graduate school is on the agenda. Although when I read about fellow blogger, Servetus, grading piles of student papers I cringe just a little…HA! Actually, I already know where my degree is leading me, but that is a subject for another post.
To all the mommies and daddies out there, love and blessings to all of you, from Xenia!